I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
