She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
