he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
