So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
