Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
