dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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