I just threw up on my dentist
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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