She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
