at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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