If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
