I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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