I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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