I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
