This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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