I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
