I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
