Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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