People with herpes should wear stickers.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
