The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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