I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
no you cant smoke seaweed
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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