Christians are straight up FREAKS
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I pour the whiskey from now on
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
