Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
