Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
