fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
