Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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