hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize