she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize