Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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