Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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