I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
