If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
