I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
it hurts more in the daytime
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
