My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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