My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
