My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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