Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
