what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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