have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
