i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
