You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
