Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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