They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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