i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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