Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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