I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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