the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize