Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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