My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
