Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
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