My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
