I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
