He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
