There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
