oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
