I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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