You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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