at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize