haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
