How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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