My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
