There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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